Hiding
Hiding.
I've been hiding lately.
From life, reality, me.
Me, because I hide from my feelings. The reality of them.
I've been hiding from the world.
Over thinking, dreaming about a life that doesnt exist, and will not exist unless I at least attempt to make it a reality.
Hiding from the world.
I've curled into myself as a wave of too many emotions crashes into, over and around me. Too much realisations coming all at once. Too much to process, no sympathy to process it.
I have been hiding.
From the responsiblity of growing up. For the fear of what it will bring. For the fear of what it has already brought.
Hiding from the reality I've dreamed about for years, yet terrifies me.
Hiding from the reality of the situation I am in. A cross road. Where I am in a mixture of different realities all at once. Where I don't know how to process it because there is no one mindset I can process it with.
Hiding from the pen and paper.
From what may spill out if I allow the words to start flowing.
I have been hiding my entire being. Attempted to mould or present myself in a pleasing way to the world. Not being true to myself.
There is so much emphasis on making sure the people around you are okay, that they don't have to deal with your burdens. Such an emphasis on knowing that how you act impacts those around you. Yet there is nothing to say that though this is true, how you act or attempt to act effects you, when you are trying to not affect those around you. It starts the process of lying to yourself, about what you feel, what is okay to feel, what feelings to express, how to express them. It is hard.
And that is why I've been hiding.
Hiding because I feel as if there is no safe space or safe place to process what I am experiencing. Even in my own room I feel caged in, and so I hide.
Hello! This is simply a wondering I had when I plucked up the courage to actually write a post. I've been scared to write for a while. I started feeling a self inflicted pressure to write "what people want" and what other bloggers had been doing. But that is not why I started this blog. I started this blog as a place to publish my wonderings. A place where the posts didn't have to follow a set format but rather gave a glimpse into my little brain. And quite honestly, it felt good writing this post.
I've decided that I will make no promises from now on, on what type of posts I will post. Rather, what happens, happens. Just like thoughts in the brain, my posts will be random unless otherwise said.
See you soon!
Ellah x
I've been hiding lately.
From life, reality, me.
Me, because I hide from my feelings. The reality of them.
I've been hiding from the world.
Over thinking, dreaming about a life that doesnt exist, and will not exist unless I at least attempt to make it a reality.
Hiding from the world.
I've curled into myself as a wave of too many emotions crashes into, over and around me. Too much realisations coming all at once. Too much to process, no sympathy to process it.
I have been hiding.
From the responsiblity of growing up. For the fear of what it will bring. For the fear of what it has already brought.
Hiding from the reality I've dreamed about for years, yet terrifies me.
Hiding from the reality of the situation I am in. A cross road. Where I am in a mixture of different realities all at once. Where I don't know how to process it because there is no one mindset I can process it with.
Hiding from the pen and paper.
From what may spill out if I allow the words to start flowing.
I have been hiding my entire being. Attempted to mould or present myself in a pleasing way to the world. Not being true to myself.
There is so much emphasis on making sure the people around you are okay, that they don't have to deal with your burdens. Such an emphasis on knowing that how you act impacts those around you. Yet there is nothing to say that though this is true, how you act or attempt to act effects you, when you are trying to not affect those around you. It starts the process of lying to yourself, about what you feel, what is okay to feel, what feelings to express, how to express them. It is hard.
And that is why I've been hiding.
Hiding because I feel as if there is no safe space or safe place to process what I am experiencing. Even in my own room I feel caged in, and so I hide.
Hello! This is simply a wondering I had when I plucked up the courage to actually write a post. I've been scared to write for a while. I started feeling a self inflicted pressure to write "what people want" and what other bloggers had been doing. But that is not why I started this blog. I started this blog as a place to publish my wonderings. A place where the posts didn't have to follow a set format but rather gave a glimpse into my little brain. And quite honestly, it felt good writing this post.
I've decided that I will make no promises from now on, on what type of posts I will post. Rather, what happens, happens. Just like thoughts in the brain, my posts will be random unless otherwise said.
See you soon!
Ellah x
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