Mental Health: Talking about it

Recently, I was at a talk where the topic of mental health was discussed in relation to the Christian context. Before I go on, I'll give you some background. Around October, when I started Uni, I was told by my GP that I had anxiety and depression, and that I most likely had had it for a while without realising it. And that is where my journey began with trying to deal with it. I won't go into details in this post, as I want to focus on my response to the talk I listened to. 

The talk was a part of my CU's seminar series during the exam season at Uni It discussed the speakers experience with mental health and how it is a very present reality within Christianity without many people even realising it. She gave examples of how David went from one extreme to the other in terms of being joyful and in utter despair, Jeremiah being suicidal and a few other examples that I cannot remember. Just her mentioning these examples made me feel a lot better that it was obvious that God was very much familiar with dealing with people who didn't have it all together, both in physical means and mentally. It was in the discussion part of the seminar that it really hit me, it's hard to talk about my actual feelings. 

I am very good at talking about things in abstract, or even empathising with others. But not so much at discussing my own feelings, especially when I don't fully understand them myself. It is HARD. The main thing to do if you are suffering is to tell someone. I can tell God, but I find it hard to genuinely open up to others. I will sit and listen to others with their problems, yet can't bring myself to be in their position of talking. I don't know how to be vulnerable, nor do I want to. I want to in some sense, because I then won't be alone in my situation, yet I am so scared of the prospect of being that vulnerable.

I have never been one for talking my emotions apart from those of annoyance and anger, but only the surface emotions that don't run that deep. The deep emotions never or rarely come to surface unless somehow drawn out of me. It's not good. I've unknowingly made a cage around myself without even knowing. I've made myself an island where no one can reach me for fear of feeling more than I want, but in the end only isolating myself and making myself feel more pain than I want. 

Talking is a vulnerable activity where you have the opportunity to make known what’s happening in your heart. You share a part of yourself you can never get back once it’s come out. You lighten the burden. I would share if it weren't for seeing how the church doesn't talk about mental health. How certain issues are "touchy" topics which are best to be left untouched in case of making them worse. I am tired of feeling that my anxiety is something that makes me fragile. I am not fragile. Everyone is fragile, people just choose to not show it. I want to talk. I want to be able to lift myself of the heavy burden that has sat on my heart, my soul since I discovered my disposition. I want to be able to understand without having to give in to bad habits or ways to process the negative emotions that sometimes well up inside of me. 

I honestly don't know what this post was supposed to be. I can only hope that it helps someone that someone knows they are not the only one who feels this way. I am trying to talk. I'm starting off with being honest with myself on how I'm feeling, so I journal it. One day I'll be able to say it aloud to someone, but for now, God hears me well enough. 

If you are struggling, I urge you to tell someone. My case is quite mild, though I will not belittle mild cases because they can still be very damaging. Go to the doctors, a councillor, a friend, journal and most importantly, even if it's simply telling God you feel like hell, pray.